I hate the term ‘parenting style’. Perhaps because it makes it sound like it’s as light and breezy as picking out a dress or choosing a hair-do. As if it’s a reflection on us and how we express ourselves, rather than focusing on the best outcome for our children. And ultimately, it just seems to trivialise this serious thing that I do. We all parent in very different ways. Usually the biggest influence on our ‘style’ is how we ourselves were parented. Even if you are determined to improve on previous generations, there are still some patterns that are hard to fight. Essentially we all find a style whether we realise it or not, it’s basically our method, our approach, call it what you will. It’s the way we relate to our children.
I take it very seriously, because it is. How we relate to our babies and children shapes their emotional health for the rest of their lives. What an enormous responsibility!
Over the past 2 years of being a mother, my parenting ‘style’ has evolved. I’ve challenged myself many times to sum up how I parent in one word. Many words and labels come to mind… attachment, peaceful, natural, and gentle. Some of these words are good. But as descriptive as they are, they don’t totally encapsulate it or go far enough. Finally, I think I have found that word. That word is: connection.
My journey started because I also disliked another word: naughty. How many times was I asked if my baby (yes baby) was naughty or misbehaving. I knew in my heart that my baby was developmentally incapable of being naughty, but as my daughter entered toddlerhood I started thinking more about this naughty thing. The word seemed to imply an adversarial relationship with her. It seemed to set up a battle of wills, like she was something to be tamed, controlled and dealt with every day.
So I started to look at my daughter’s behaviour in context of how she was feeling. I tried to understand the emotions that were driving her behaviour in the first place. I realised that I didn’t see myself as “the boss”. I realised there was another option to just managing behaviour. I wanted to get to know her. I was genuinely interested in her feelings. And I believed my role was to nurture her emotional wellbeing.
The traditional authoritarian style of parenting, where discipline and punishment are the norm, didn’t seem to value my child’s emotions and could never motivate her to want to be caring and considerate out a genuine respect for my feelings. Surely there was a way to nurture this empathic behaviour.
I believe it is through connection – true heart connection. And how do I foster this connection? I do not claim to have an original thought to explain this, but have received inspiration from authors like Robin Grille (Heart to Heart Parenting) and Pinky McKay (Toddler Tactics). It boils down to how I communicate with her. A two-fold thing: how I listen and how I speak. Listening to our children honours their right to be heard. And children listen to us to the extent that they themselves feel heard. In terms of better relations with our children, I believe it is possibly the best investment we can make.
Speaking with authenticity is the flip side to the connection coin. This means being real about our feelings and letting our children know that we have boundaries. Far from being permissive, connection parenting is about appropriate boundary setting, because being solid and strong makes us more respectable and helps our children feel secure.
How refreshing it is when I reframe what my child does in terms of how they are feeling, rather than labelling their behaviour. I don’t have to feel constantly in opposition to them. All things that are considered ‘misbehaviour’ are in fact my child’s attempt to reconnect with me.
When I listen to my child’s feelings and communicate with authenticity, they respond with respect and care for my feelings. Their behaviour is not motivated out of fear or shame. They are not trying to gain my approval or to escape punishment, instead they genuinely seek connection with me and others. Far from being a trend in parenting that I have chosen from a book because it’s the latest thing, connection parenting is something that hits to the very core of my values as a human being and is true to my mother instincts.
And it is not only my child that is benefitting. My life has thoroughly been enriched too. Through connection, my daughter has taught me humility, to be real, and to be more compassionate. Seeking connection with her has opened my heart, and has allowed me to love more deeply than I could have ever imagined. And it has shown me that parenting can be pleasurable and can bring joy that is profoundly fulfilling and satisfying.
